Truth and Dare

How do I battle the memories
I cannot recall?
How do I step into the pain
of having no words when I
hit that brick wall?

The effects of what happened
are so apparent and real,
but without the words
how the hell does it heal?

The tears come for no obvious reason
at some random time
or the changing of season.

Society labels me ungrateful
for daring to speak,
but telling the truth
doesn't make me hateful or weak.

I'm acknowledging the child
I was born to be
because my adoption ain't about you ...
it's about ME!

So if you love me
then you have to share
not just the good times,
but also the despair.

Because real love is unconditional,
honest, and kind,
you gotta let me be me
in this moment of time.

And just when you think
it's all worked out,
along comes another wordless memory
bringing shame and self doubt.

So gather me close,
but only if you dare
to help carry the burden
adoption gave me to bear.

be(longing)

The nightmares persist in spite of you
holding me, comforting me, speaking
love and affection to me.
I still fear you will leave me
shattered and broken.

I still feel unloveable, because
my first mother gave me away and
my second mother said she wished
I wasn't ever hers to love.

I must be bad, right?
Why else would mama choose
to leave me with strangers?
Why else would those strangers
threaten to send me
into a system that chews children up
and spits them out?

I've spent my life
on the outside looking in,
never belonging.
I am haunted by the life
that should have been.

I want to belong so badly
I can taste it, so sweet
and lingering on the palate.
I see other people who belong
and I am jealous.

I am so happy for them,
but so jealous because
while I have found where I should belong
and have been absolutely accepted
I will never have the shared history they do.

I try to live in the here and now.
I try so hard, but every night in my nightmares
one by one they all leave me ...
husband, children, sisters, brothers, and even friends.

Adoption has taken way more from me
than it ever gave. It's a pain
I live with every day.
Still I march forward
into the shit-storm adoption created.
I keep fighting back against the darkness that beckons.

I am a survivor of adoption.
I am a mother, a sister, and a friend.
I will face my fears and risk abandonment
again and again because it's the only way I can say,

Fuck you, Adoption, and the industrial Trojan Horse you rode in on!

Wipe Out

 The thoughts roll in and out
leaving traces of themselves in my brain
like broken seashells on the shore.

They tumble and roll
twisting my mind
like a wiped out surfer eating the ocean floor.

I lie there
Sputtering and coughing up feelings,
as the tide rolls out
until the next wave beats me to tears.

Reclamation

Sadness dwells deep inside
churning, turning
Feeling out of my mind.

Tiny cracks from days long ago
fissured, fractured
The pain begins to show.

I fight, I cry, I scream, I feel
walking, running
Towards those that heal.

Golden repair of shattered soul
mending, reclaiming
Shard by shard becoming whole.

Learning who I am in this space
loved, cherished
No more hiding my face.