be(longing)

The nightmares persist in spite of you
holding me, comforting me, speaking
love and affection to me.
I still fear you will leave me
shattered and broken.

I still feel unloveable, because
my first mother gave me away and
my second mother said she wished
I wasn't ever hers to love.

I must be bad, right?
Why else would mama choose
to leave me with strangers?
Why else would those strangers
threaten to send me
into a system that chews children up
and spits them out?

I've spent my life
on the outside looking in,
never belonging.
I am haunted by the life
that should have been.

I want to belong so badly
I can taste it, so sweet
and lingering on the palate.
I see other people who belong
and I am jealous.

I am so happy for them,
but so jealous because
while I have found where I should belong
and have been absolutely accepted
I will never have the shared history they do.

I try to live in the here and now.
I try so hard, but every night in my nightmares
one by one they all leave me ...
husband, children, sisters, brothers, and even friends.

Adoption has taken way more from me
than it ever gave. It's a pain
I live with every day.
Still I march forward
into the shit-storm adoption created.
I keep fighting back against the darkness that beckons.

I am a survivor of adoption.
I am a mother, a sister, and a friend.
I will face my fears and risk abandonment
again and again because it's the only way I can say,

Fuck you, Adoption, and the industrial Trojan Horse you rode in on!